


Okay...This Isn't What It Looks Like

by malfoys_cousin



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, M/M, Steve Rogers is Not a Virgin, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Tony Stark is a mess, but Pepper is really in charge, he also works at Target, this is just fluff though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2016-06-22
Packaged: 2018-07-16 13:08:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7269577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malfoys_cousin/pseuds/malfoys_cousin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired loosely by the prompt: "I can feel you silently judging me as you ring up my purchases, but I swear I'm not using these for their intended purposes."<br/>But mostly inspired by my best friend going to Target and walking out with bed sheets, lube, and a zucchini. Because that was a real thing that happened.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Okay...This Isn't What It Looks Like

**Author's Note:**

> In my self-induced stress trying to write the last chapter of my other fic, this happened.  
> I wrote this on my lunch hour while I was at work, so sorry if there are any mistakes!
> 
> Also, none of these characters belong to me, despite my best efforts. This is just a work of fun.

Tony was not sure how he found himself rushing through Target ten minutes before it closed, but he was very glad that it happened that way. Not everyone could live in normal hours.

However, as he watched his purchases slide down the conveyer belt at the only open register, Tony couldn’t help feeling a little bit awkward. It didn’t help that the cashier was a smoking hot blond built like a Greek god. What was he thinking about this? Tony probably needed to explain this one…because, really.

Hot cashier guy bagged his items and looked up at Tony expectantly. His name was apparently Steve. Nametags were great like that.

“These…this isn’t what it looks like. I mean most of these aren’t even for me. The sheets are—I accidentally set the previous ones on fire. Everyone was fine. I wasn’t in the bed at the time and I have a fire extinguisher, but you know, they were ruined. But everything else…my best friend is pregnant and she has this thing to hear the heartbeat so that’s why…Not that lube isn’t a perfectly normal thing to purchase, it’s just…and my friend’s boyfriend is an idiot and can’t tell the difference between a cucumber and a zucchini—I mean I also didn’t know the difference, but at least I can read the signs. It’s not even important, because she’s probably going to think it’s gross again by the time I even get home, because that’s the kind of thing pregnant women do, apparently. They just want to eat things and then change their mind about it. I don’t even know why I have to deal with her because I’m not the one that knocked her up…”

“Your total is $35.96,” said super-hot blond. Steve.

Tony blinked at him for a moment before sliding his credit card through the machine.

“Was that really good enough to justify buying black sheets, lube, and a zucchini?” asked Tony.

Steve’s face went slightly pink, but he kept a cool expression. “I’m not writing a report on what you use your purchases for. I don’t need an explanation.”

“So if I bought duct tape, rope, and black trash bags you wouldn’t immediately think I’m a serial killer?”

“Well, if I thought that, I probably wouldn’t bring it up and become your next victim.”

Tony nodded. That made sense.

“Is this even the strangest purchase you’ve seen?”

Steve leaned forward with his hands on the counter. “No, but the fact that you thought you needed to explain yourself does make your intentions look suspicious.”

“Let’s be real,” said Tony leaning his elbow on the counter to be just a bit closer to him. “If this lube was actually for having fun, I wouldn’t be using a zucchini, okay. I’d find a real dick to sit on.”

Steve’s face went completely red and he tried to cover up a laugh with a cough. “I’m glad. It’s dangerous to use food for…that kind of thing.”

“Are you offering to take its place?”

“Maybe we should have dinner first,” replied Steve, running a hand through his hair nervously.

Tony held up the zucchini and winked. Steve laughed. Tony’s dumb romantic heart fluttered at the sound.

A distraught middle-aged woman dropped her basket on the conveyor belt and Tony slid out of her way before he got hit by her purse. She slapped a bulging wallet down on the counter and started pulling out a wad of coupons. He was trying to get a date with this super-hot guy, but okay, whatever.

Tony grinned at Steve and picked up his bag.

“Um…have a good night,” said Steve. He waved but was cut off when the woman started complaining in a loud nasally voice.

Tony started to say his name, but instead a harassed guy in a Target polo went up to Steve and started yelling as well, so Tony turned and fled.

He almost just pulled at Target. Pepper would be proud.

 

A week later, Tony was back at Target. This time it was fifteen minutes before they closed. So he ignored all the employees glaring at him while he frantically darted down the aisles. He had fifteen minutes, okay?

Of course everything he needed was scattered around the entire store so he was out of breath by the time he made it to the register. There was only one open again, and the guy in line in front of him was clearly preparing for an apocalypse. No one needed that many cans of ravioli. Like, why?

And apocalypse dude thought he could stand there and judge Tony’s purchases? Rude.

Okay…so maybe it did look a little weird…

Tony was so focused on thinking about what these four items looked like, that he jumped when the cashier addressed him. It was Steve.

Oh. Okay.

He hadn’t seen Steve since the zucchini incident and obviously they hadn’t gotten dinner since Tony hadn’t even said his own name. Plus, he rationalized that Steve hadn’t actually meant for them to get dinner, it was just like a normal human thing to get dinner before having sex. Apparently. Pepper said that was normal and she’d know better than he did. But that didn’t mean Steve had really offered so it didn’t really matter.

Steve was ringing up his items and Tony’s mouth just started speaking.

“So my friend kind of unexpectedly got a dog…I’m not surprised because he’s weird like that, and he got all sorts of junk, but forgot a collar. Like he even had a leash, which makes me think he did this on purpose just so that I’d have to go get it. And my other friend is having bachelorette party so that’s what…I mean I don’t think it’s really necessary to have neon condoms—like that just seems like you’re overcompensating, or on drugs. Normal colors are fine, but not good enough for bachelorette party—which is also weird because they don’t have dicks so where are they going to put these? And, as a matter of fact, I didn’t ask because I don’t want to know.”

“It’s—” started Steve, but Tony’s mouth was still spewing words.

“I don’t really have a reason like…these are just what they are. I mean not for like anything kinky, it’s just usual stuff. Maybe I should have bought some milk or ice cream or something, but my freezer is already packed with ice cream because I have a pregnant best friend and when she wants ice cream she wants it immediately and I don’t have time to run around at 3am trying to find ice cream, so I just stock piled and she can just choose what she wants and—”

Steve was laughing so hard he had pressed his hands over his mouth to stifle it.

Tony took his wallet out of his back pocket, staring at the counter in defeat.

“I’m sorry,” said Steve. He paused to laugh some more and Tony died a little inside. “You really don’t have to explain though. You seem like a pretty confident guy, so why don’t you just own it? Who cares what anyone else thinks?”

“So I should have just brought up my dog collar, duct tape, chocolate syrup, and neon condoms and you wouldn’t think I was some kind of sex pervert?”

“Does it matter if I think you are? Are you?”

“No! I just told you why—”

Steve laughed again and put his hand over Tony’s. It was very warm. “Then don’t worry about it.”

“You know, we never did get dinner,” said Tony, still not meeting Steve’s eyes.

“Well, I’m done in… four minutes. I don’t think anything else is open, but I could make you dinner. Unless you have other plans.” Steve put the bag on the counter and smiled.

“No, I think they’ll be okay.” Tony smiled back. “I’m Tony.”

“Steve.” He held out his hand and Tony took it.

 

Well… Neon condoms were definitely awkward, but hey, they still got the job done. Tony wasn’t going to complain.

“What do you say we test out the chocolate syrup?”

Tony lifted his head off Steve’s chest. “As long as you leave the collar and the duct tape in the bag. I wasn’t lying about that.”

Steve just laughed and pulled Tony in for another kiss.


End file.
